From Fighting to Asking: about quietly and leisurely getting your way

This article focuses on learning a new mindset for default aggressive entrepreneurs: questions.

And that goes beyond simply overcoming conflict.

By asking more, you not only get what you want, you improve relationships and create space for mutual understanding and growth.

Fighting vs. Questioning: the right balance

If you are always ready to fight, you often do not give room for dialogue. You defend your position, you put pressure on the other person, and you go full on the attack.

This can be effective in some situations, but if it becomes your default approach, you run the risk of not being able to build open communication and collaboration.

You then get stuck in the drama triangle in which you constantly switch back and forth between the roles of accuser, rescuer and victim.

Instead of continuing to fight everyone and everything, asking offers you a way out of the drama triangle and a route to the daring triangle.

Here you transform your fighting spirit from emotional daring into something productive.

Asking instead of fighting means proactively seeking solutions instead of simply trying to get your way.

Step 1: Ask for clarification

Your first step in this new mindset is to ask questions for clarification.

As a business owner, it is crucial to understand what the other person means, their intentions and concerns.

Too often we engage in battle without really understanding what the other person wants to say.

Instead of immediately seeking a solution or defense, start with questions like:

• "What exactly do you mean by this?"
• "Can you talk more about what you're trying to accomplish?"
• "What concerns do you have about this issue?"

The purpose of these questions is to gather information so that you can make more informed decisions. This prevents misunderstandings and paves the way for positive and constructive cooperation.

How many times have you gotten into a conflict because you thought the other person meant something completely different than what they were actually trying to say?

When you ask for clarification, you not only avoid unnecessary confrontations, but you also show respect for the other person. And that immediately makes the dynamic between you and the other person a lot healthier.

Step 2: Asking for what you want

The second type of question you can ask is about your authentic desires. As a leader, it is easy to always be concerned with what the team, the customer or your business partners want.

But when was the last time you really thought about what you want for yourself?

When you are clear about what you want, you can also communicate more assertively and effectively. It is not enough to act aggressively without a clear goal in mind.

Ask yourself: what do I really want in this situation?

And ask the other person to do the same:

• "What is my purpose here?"
• "What do I really want to accomplish with this interaction?"
• "How can I communicate that in a way that is both respectful and clear?"

Naming your authentic desires is a way of taking responsibility for your own needs.

Instead of controlling everything and overruling the other person, you create clarity and openness, which is a step toward healthy power dynamics.

Step 3: Asking for what you don't want

In addition to what you want, it's just as important to ask for what you don't want.

This is about setting clear boundaries.

As a business owner, you need to know well when to say "no" and make it clear what actions or behaviors are unacceptable.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and productive collaborations. By making your boundaries clear, you show that you are willing to take responsibility for your own well-being without putting undue pressure on the other person.

Ask the following:

• "What are my limits in this situation?"
• "What do I absolutely not want to let happen?"
• "How do I communicate this in a constructive way?"

These questions prevent you from falling into a victim role where you just let everything happen, and help you protect your own needs.

From the drama triangle to the daring triangle

As mentioned earlier, the drama triangle describes the destructive roles people can assume in conflicts: accuser, rescuer and victim.

These roles almost always lead to escalating conflicts rather than solutions.

If you keep fighting, you usually lock yourself into one of these roles.

The alternative is the courage triangle, in which you switch to assertiveness, authenticity and empathy.

By asking instead of fighting, you move yourself from destructive dynamics to constructive relationships.

• Being Assertive Instead of Playing Accuser: Instead of (accusing) others or looking for a scapegoat, communicate clearly what you want and where your boundaries are.
• Being Authentic Instead of Playing Victim: You take responsibility for your own needs and decisions, rather than blaming others for not guessing your needs correctly.
• Be empathetic instead of playing Savior: instead of saving the other person and trying to make yourself indispensable for the sake of your own ego, open yourself up to what the other person really needs without being meddlesome.

Conclusion: asking instead of fighting

As a "default aggressive" entrepreneur, the step from fighting to asking may not be obvious. Because it requires an adjustment of your self-image and a change from a habit ingrained for years.

But it can benefit you immensely. By asking for clarification, for what you want and for what you don't want, you create an environment of mutual understanding and cooperation.

You step out of the drama triangle and into the daring triangle, where assertiveness, authenticity and empathy come together.

In short: fighting is not always the quickest path to success.

Sometimes asking the right questions is the key to lasting solutions and healthy business relationships.