Codependency

Core Concept: Defining Codependency

Codependency is a destructive relational pattern characterized by the systematic disavowal of one's own boundaries, values, and needs, primarily to avert conflict, rejection, or a perceived loss of control.

Driven by a fear of abandonment and insecurity, individuals attempt to emotionally regulate and appease others, thereby circumventing the need to confront their own negative emotions (both towards themselves and the other party).

Tragically, this dynamic progressively alienates individuals from their authentic self and genuine needs.

Ultimately, a dynamic akin to Stockholm Syndrome emerges, where one becomes psychologically captive to the potential negative emotional reactions of another.

The Survival Mechanism Underpinning Codependency

When personal desires are suppressed to safeguard and maintain a relationship, an unconscious survival mechanism is activated, manifesting through the three roles of the Drama Triangle.

This is not a conscious strategy, but rather a primitive neurological response to perceived relational threats.

Stemming from an existential fear of articulating one's desires—and consequently relinquishing the illusion of control—three fundamental survival fears emerge.

Each of these fears triggers a specific physiological response and an associated role:

The Three Fears and Their Survival Strategies

1. Fear of Rejection → Persecutor (Fight Response)
   • The Fear: The dread of being ostracized from one's current social network or definitively rejected—a form of social demise.
   • The Strategy: One preemptively attacks before the other can reject them. Through criticism, accusations, and aggression, control is sought via dominance.
   • The Covert Mechanism: “If I diminish you, you cannot reject me—for then I hold the power.”
2. Fear of Obligation → Rescuer (Flight/Fawn Response)
   • The Fear: The terror of being constrained by current relationships and experiencing a complete loss of identity.
   • The Strategy: One evades their own feelings and needs by rendering themselves indispensable. Emotional security is purchased through ingratiation and self-effacement.
   • The Covert Mechanism: “If I sacrifice myself and rescue you, you cannot abandon me—for then you are dependent on me.”
3. Fear of Entrapment → Victim (Freeze/Fawn Response)
   • The Fear: The claustrophobic horror of being perpetually ensnared within the current relational matrix—a form of relational demise.
   • The Strategy: One becomes paralyzed, passive, and submissive. By diminishing oneself and avoiding conflict, the hope is to maintain a tolerable situation until an escape route emerges.
   • The Covert Mechanism: “If I remain invisible and pose no threat, you will leave me undisturbed—and perhaps I will later find an opportunity to escape.”

The Tragic Outcome: Self-Betrayal

Across all these roles and survival strategies, the same destructive process unfolds:

You entirely disregard your true self, remain trapped in the established pattern, and progressively distance yourself from your authentic needs and desires.

What began as an attempt to salvage the relationship evolves into the systematic erosion of your true identity.

The tragic outcome: The strategies intended to avert abandonment precisely generate the emotional distance and loss of authenticity that render genuine intimacy unattainable.

The true tragedy: You become ensnared in a system where you must relinquish your self to retain the other—yet without your authentic self, there is no one left to love.

The Path Forward: Restoration of Authenticity

The key to transformation lies in rediscovering your true self.

By learning to recognize, acknowledge, and prioritize your own desires, boundaries, and emotions, space is created for genuine connection—first with yourself, and subsequently with others.