Nothing to be gained in the drama triangle
What you are aware of you are in control of; what you are not aware of is in control of you.
== Anthony de Mello, spiritual leader and author
The drama triangle model
We all know them. Those conversations that degenerate into a big drama in no time at all without you seem to have a grip on them. Blame flies back and forth and there seems to be no way out. The American social psychologist Steven Karpman has coined an appropriate name for this phenomenon: the drama triangle.
This model comes from Transactional Analysis, which looks at human interaction from the different roles we can occupy. According to Karpman, each person has three ego states within them: the parent, the child and the adult. The parent adheres to the statements of their own parents and/or educators from the first years of life. The child reacts primitively and emotionally. This is in contrast to the adult, who lives in the here-and-now and thus does not react from stored emotions.
The three ego states
So when you start a conversation, you always do it from one of the three ego states. And the same goes for your interlocutor. If we all always communicated with each other from the adult ego state, there would be very few quarrels. Unfortunately, the practice is quite different. All too often we react based on past experiences and pent-up irritations.
Drama is always and everywhere lurking. An innocently intended question, can just be the trigger for a hefty argument or emotional clash. According to Karpman, it is therefore not so much the content of the message but its nature that determines how the other person reacts. Thus we - without perhaps being aware of it - largely direct the reaction of another.
The three players
The drama triangle model therefore distinguishes not only the roles we play, but also the different positions we can take within a conversation. The drama triangle has three "drama positions": the rescuer, the victim and the accuser. These three relate to each other according to a set pattern.
The savior is the one who helps, who believes he or she knows what is good for another and thus often excels at unsolicited advice.
The victim is fine with this dependent position and prefers not to take responsibility himself. At the same time, they complain to others about all the injustice done to them.
The third and final player is the accuser. This one points out others' shortcomings and wants to prove himself right at all costs.
Drama is theater, life, an escape from life, happiness, and sadness all rolled into one.
== Rebekah Adams, author
Am soft on the person and hard on the content
Whatever role you take - and that can change even within a conversation - it is never the right one. Because the drama triangle has no winners. In that respect, the similarity to the Bermuda Triangle is great. You get sucked into it and you don't get out of it easily. Although in the case of the drama triangle, you can learn to get out. Something that in the case of the Bermuda Triangle no one has yet managed to do. This starts with acknowledging that you have fallen into the drama triangle. No matter how difficult that may sometimes be, and no matter how subtle the clues to it.
Once you realize you have entered the drama triangle, there is only one thing that matters. Get out very quickly! Because there's nothing to be gained for anyone there. Of course, you can't always prevent it. But you can learn to direct it. For example, be aware of what you say, the way you say it and how another person may interpret it. But certainly don't mince words. Be "soft on the person and hard on the content," so to speak.
Make decisions with a cool head and a warm heart
Never make decisions while you are in the drama triangle! After all, decisions are supposed to be made with a cool head and a warm heart. And not the other way around. A time out is always good. Sleep on it first and take some constructive distance. But don't become distant. Because then you switch off your emotions, and that is never the intention. Think carefully about what you want to achieve and try to rise above it. Ask yourself what is really going on and put yourself in the other person's position. And never assume the role of victim, however tempting this may be.
Reach your goals sooner
Once you have stepped out of the drama triangle yourself, though, it is wise to see if your interlocutor succeeds in doing so. Otherwise, it is like communicating with someone who is drunk. After all, it has to come from both sides. But if you manage to come out on your own, the other person usually follows automatically. If not, it is a good idea to end the conversation and ask yourself whether this contact or relationship has a future. Fortunately, in most cases it doesn't have to come to that. Because the better you learn to manage these types of conversations, the better the outcome. This social skill benefits not only your social career - for example, it is an important tool in negotiations - but also in the private sphere.
You achieve your goals sooner and get a better life overall.
