Ambivalent relationships: why those very ones cause extreme stress and how to deal with them

Ambivalent relationships occur among colleagues, friends, family members and even partners. Although we often think about these relationships less intensely than the obviously positive or negative ones, they make up about half of our social network. Despite mixed feelings, we often linger in these relationships, for example, because we think the positive aspects outweigh them in the end, or because we don't want to simply break off the relationship.

Why do we have ambivalent relationships?

There are several reasons why we get stuck in ambivalent relationships. Sometimes at first we are intrigued by someone and see enough good qualities to ignore the less pleasant aspects. However, as time passes, the negative aspects become more pronounced, but by then it feels difficult to end the relationship.

In other cases, ambivalent relationships arise because people with whom we once had a strong relationship change. Differences in lifestyle, personality or outlook can cause the relationship to become strained. Ambivalent relationships can also arise because of external factors, such as shared social circles (e.g., friends of a partner), or obligations within the family. With family members, we may share little besides blood ties, but still feel obligated to continue the relationship.

The stress of ambivalent relationships

You might think that ambivalent relationships are neutral - not too positive, but not very negative either. However, research shows that these relationships have a significant negative impact. In fact, ambivalent relationships have been found to be more damaging to health than purely negative relationships.

Research on ambivalent relationships has shown that these relationships cause more stress than supportive relationships. For example, interactions with an ambivalent relationship can lead to increased blood pressure and heart rate even before the interaction begins. The reason for this increased stress response is the unpredictability of ambivalent relationships: you never know if the person will be supportive or critical. This uncertainty creates tension and stress.

In addition, ambivalent relationships often require self-control. During interactions, you must suppress your frustration, not roll your eyes, or restrain yourself from reacting too sharply. This constant effort to control your emotions contributes to the stress these relationships cause.

Ambivalent relationships vs. negative relationships

A surprising finding from the study is that ambivalent relationships cause more stress than relationships that are exclusively negative. This seems counterintuitive, but in negative relationships, you know exactly what to expect. Expectations are low, and when the other person does something negative, it affects you less because you already expected it. In ambivalent relationships, the constant uncertainty - will this interaction be positive or negative? - which increases stress. Moreover, we tend to be more attached to ambivalent relationships, so the negative moments weigh more heavily.

How to deal with ambivalent relationships

Ambivalent relationships can affect your life in different ways, so it is important to consider how you deal with them. There are three strategies: eliminate, arhive or instrumentalize.

1. Eliminate: If the relationship has few positive aspects and is mostly stressful, it is sometimes best to distance yourself. This can apply, for example, to superficial relationships, such as co-workers or vague acquaintances.
2. Archiving: For relationships with a shared past, such as old friends or family members, it can be helpful to review the relationship. You don't have to sever the bond completely, but you can have less contact and adjust expectations. This reduces stress without giving up on the relationship altogether. A friend becomes an old acquaintance.
3. Instrumentalize: Some ambivalent relationships have a valuable component that is worth preserving. In these cases, you can recalibrate the relationship by emphasizing the positive aspects and avoiding situations that lead to frustration. This can mean maintaining a relationship because this person can perform a specific task without causing you emotional distress.

Conclusion

Ambivalent relationships are a larger part of our social network than we often realize, and they can cause significant stress. While these relationships are not always easy to break up, it is important to recognize them and develop strategies to deal with the stress. By managing ambivalent relationships more consciously, we can reduce their negative impact and build healthier social lives.